Quintadagio - 69

There is an event which happened to me when I was very young which has affected me ever since...well actually there were lots of 'events' which have gone into producing the man that sits here writing this. but the one thing that I'm thinking of just now is this. I must have been about 9 or 10 , and my Father worked for a company in Derby...the works would hold a Christmas party each year for employees children. My father took my brother Tim and I to one of these. We were slightly late, and there was a whole room of screaming children sat on chairs in lines facing a projector screen awaiting a showing of a 'Tom and Jerry' cartoon.

There were only two seats in the middle of a row..my brother pushed past to sit down, but I didn't want to...I knew my Dad was going off for the afternoon leaving us at the party. I cried and protested but it was no good...I was lifted bodily and placed on the chair...I screamed wanting to be taken home, everyone stared at me...some laughed.... But my Dad had gone already. I did settle soon after, and from what I remember of the afternoon, I quite enjoyed myself. but there after, I have always reacted badly within myself to being forced into a position where I'm amongst strangers.

I have for years suffered from shyness and poor self esteem. I often feel that I'm intruding when I meet other people, and I often feel that they assume I'm not wanted.....I often feel as if I need to escape.I feel that this often accounts for the surprised looks of consternation I build into my work...it's the feeling of discomfort I often have with my own self. But I have learned to cope in many ways...I use humour and knowledge as a disguise.

I think if we look deeply into ourselves, we are full of hang ups and confidence issues...that fact is we all have things within ourselves (known or unknown) that affect or hinder our conduct in the world. What helps us deal with those things is an honesty and insight into them.

I am trying to be open on these pages, I apologise if what I write makes you uncomfortable...I'm not fishing for sympathy. But what I'd like to share by doing this is in my original remit for writing this blog. I aim to share not only my work, but the person and the influences that have gone into producing it.

PS. The skull has a red clown's nose!