Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Concerto for a rainy day

Rain pours outside. I spent time with 'Tom' today at Arboretum House..he is deaf and never talks. He was sitting staring out of the window, so I sat next to him and gave him a sketch pad and pencil. He drew a picture of a pine tree and two garden spiders. I drew too. We never spoke, but I held his warm and papery skinned hand. No words were needed. He smiled, I left for home.

Jan was at the computer when I got back. She looked so beautiful..(I need to put her in a picture soon). I'm not sure what she thinks of me at the moment. I've been so depressed for the last week since the Buxton show, I grump around and moan. She doesn't know how to relate to me when I'm in a dark place. However,some healing has occured today (The Marvin Gaye sort!) and I felt the sunshine.

I often get caught in a downward spiral. There was a time when I worked as part of a team..we trusted and relied on eachother to do the job. One ended up off loading all the stresses and strains of daily life to each other. But I tend to work alone now. Hence the rather extreme emails I've sent out to various friends over the months.(They make up for the lack of realtime talk with colleagues!) I like my thinking and concepts to be challenged, I like to pose questions and like others to do the same with me. I've spent my whole life being a 'Good Boy'..don't you sometimes ever want to do something naughty..get in trouble?I actually get fed up with being 'safe'...I suppose embarking on a career that brings in very little money and is traditionally only sucessful once one is dead is a risk! But everyone assumes I'll be OK..I'm usually smilling and cracking jokes....I'm solid and dependable.If only it were true.

Jan has now gone again to Manchester to see her friend Andrea in a play.She doesn't expect to be back until after midnight.

I have to start looking at things in a different way. Today 'Amazon' delivered a book I've been looking forward to reading: 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho. I am a man who deals in dreams, allegory and symbolism. I'm hopeful that I will learn to see beyond my backyard into a brighter sky. And renew my thirst for life and my place in the day.