Hope 15..spluttering flame

Last night the flame nearly went out for good. Not in a life threatening sense, but I've just reached a point where I've had enough. I'm fed up with people who promise you the earth then only deliver a headache. I'm tired of chasing. As John Cleese said in the film 'Clockwork': "the despair..I can cope with that..it's the hope (I can't cope with)" We went to visit an art shop/gallery in Sheffield yesterday. Firstly the person who'd agreed to meet us there was uncontactable..then when we did she had decided to meet someone else...we met her business partner who admitted to being fairly hung over..The result was he liked my work and will opperate on a 60/40 % basis (me 60%)..on top of that we've got to do all the worlk getting prints and frames made. then it's not gaurenteed as they've only been open 3 weeks...84 miles of driving later I still don't know if I want to persue it..but then I've got Jan who rightly berrates me for not being active enough and not wanting to sell.

This all escalated in me reaching the point yet again where I had to question weather I had the strength to carry on. Jan confronted me on this which ended in me ruining one of my pens..At that point I'd decided to give up. I took to my bed and decided not to eat again.

But it is a painful thing to go through..you see if you're reading this with an open heart and an understanding of what it is to be an artist you'll realise the level of passion and drive you need to create.Worrying about 'building my business' detracts and destroys any creative notions I have. Then coupled to that the fact that Jan and I rarely communicate on the deeper issues involved. This all leads to a breakdown in transmission as it were.

Jan quite rightly acesses this as unfathomable...I am impossible to live with. I am selfish and ignorant. I expect to be able to create something that might just change the perception of the world for someone, but I try to do it at the expense of our poverty and family togetherness.

Now do you see what it is I have to wrestle with each day I sit to draw these silly little pictures?

Despite this, the flame has not gone out..If I am realy honest, it's like one of those novelty candles you put on Birthday Cakes that splutter back to life after you think you've extinguished them! There is always hope.

Tonight I feel humilliation and shame..and Jan's invited a whole bunch of our friends round. What is a man to do?