It's a strange feeling hanging what amounts to almost a lifetimes work on the wall for people to pass judgement on. And believe me they do!..For the most part there are those who would complement and gush praise whilst turning a contemptuous nose against what they call 'Modern Art'. Then are those who stand and stare..they turn and glare and some who are very bold will actually ask me "Why?"...."What's the point?".....I tell you the truth dear reader that I would have a room full of my doubting critics than the fawning ignorant fools who think this is the 'only art' because it "looks like what it should".
True my work splits into two realms...there is the famous faces and aeroplanes and trains.Mere essays in the craft Tolkien might say...but then there is the 'other stuff'..things that bite deep into my heart and tell tales never imagined. Here are the very sinew of my being..strung out and looking every inch a pretty picture. But here is a fact..only last Tuesday I lay curled up in bed having packed my work away for the last time..determined that I would never do it again..it's a curse I tell you...but here today I am striving yet again having faced total shame and admission that I was wrong, I am a fool unable to relate in a proper way to the one person I need need need.Now I am trying to get that shadow right..convey the deep shade in that shop window...get the sodding blue pen to work!I find it is impossible to ignore or turn away..I have every part of my being straining to create. I have only just begun in the big scheme of things..I dream and catch sight of the impossible and intend to go there..but a journey of a thousand of miles begins with but one step!..one dot..
And so as the pretty pictures are hung..I remember not the delicate purple of the fuzzy trees in the distance..but the doubt..the agony of knowing that I'll walk out of this a poor man in financial terms and tired to the bone with eyes that feel like withered peppercorns.Each picture is a pouring out and 100% concentration of eye hand and mind.
So when you see the grey haired fat bloke who sits in the midst of his work..he is not smiling because he is proud..he's smiling because you are there..to ease the screaming and pain that hangs on the wall.
Am I mad?..I sure hope so because no sane person could do this!
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6 comments:
wow, intense stuff!
I understand the panic at the exposure. I don't deal with that very well. I see now why you mentioned how nerve-wrecking this was going to be.
But you have to focus on what is your goal for this exhibit - what is it?
Well..firstly to just get my work seen..I like it being seen and I like talking about it..Secondly there is the small detail of my mortgage...
..and three hungry kids and one wife to support!
Wishing you tonnes of luck, Niall.I can relate to how you feel.I can relate to your urge to create.I can relate to your feelings about 'bits of your soul being put on a exhibition.'
It takes immense courage to do what you believe in..And to those who undertand you, you are already a winner, my friend.
You have already won.
Thank you Preeti..today the sun shines and it feels like a good day!!
Well, there's a lot of reasons!
But you're doing your best, so now it's not really up to you. Good luck! :)
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